Today I’m getting married.
There’s a strange mix of exhilaration and a weird surrealism. Am I feeling overwhelmed or is it nerves? Why do I feel so… like I’m in a dream, like nothing is real even though there is nothing more real than this.
Outside the window, people rush around, on their way to work, oblivious. How can the world be so calm? How can people be so nonchalant? Don’t they know what today is?
I haven’t seen him for a week. A whole week. How does he feel? Like roses and sunshine and somersaults, like all the pieces falling into place? Like all of life being worthwhile just for this, just for him, just to be with him? Does he feel like that too? Or do men not do that?
Makeup. Hair.
So trivial, it doesn’t really matter. It’s all so beautiful, but it’s all so meaningless. I just want to see his face again. He has a very serious side. He has a very jovial side. They are separate; they are one, just like him and I, but which will I see today?
Makeup. Hair. Prayer.
Such a meaningful day, nothing else has ever meant anything. There is nothing but this, all leading up to.. To… what we’ve always been waiting for.
The dress. It’s so beautiful, so very beautiful, it’s all so beautiful. Will he think it’s beautiful? Will he think I’m beautiful? Will he see me and be blown away?
It’s all come together now, all the planning, the visualising. Everything is beautiful. It doesn’t matter, but it’s perfect anyway.
I’m so nervous. I don’t know why. I love him. I want to be with him. Where is he? I’ve been waiting. I missed him so much.
Where is he?
Smiile, smile, everyone is so happy. Mum is crying. She always cries at weddings but today she’s smiling so much. Dad is smiling too. He’s busy, always busy, but he’s smiling. Smiling at me. 
Smile, smile, why are we smiling, there’s an empty space next to me. There’s a missing person, why are we taking pictures with an empty space, I am not complete, not anymore, not ever and not yet, but very soon.
I am so nervous, so very nervous to see him, so, so very nervous that the only thing I want, the only thing that can take the nerves away.. I want him to say something to me. I want him to put his arms around me.
He gave me a picture. A beautiful note and a stupid cartoon. I love it. Puts Picasso to shame. It’s so him, so him, so very him and I love him  so much. So very much. I’m so nervous, where are they? We’re late. He doesn’t like being late. Where is he?
I don’t know if I want to push this off or get it over with but I want to see him, I need to see him, I need him so much. I want him. Where is he?
And then… and then… we’re ready, it’s starting.
And he’s here. 
Does he think I’m beautiful? Is he happy?
Everything is beautiful, everything is perfect and I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m not alone anymore.

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